Why did God send Nathan?
May 5, 2007 | Updates
If you’ve been reading our posts for sometime now, then you will know that 3 months after Samuel’s near drowning accident, I became pregnant with Nathan. I was literally devastated when I found out that I was pregnant. I had considered having one more child, but I had decided that Samuel’s accident was an answer from God that my plate was full and I was not to have anymore. I was upset, and totally bewildered as to why God had asked me to take on something I KNEW I couldn’t handle at that time. How could He think I could deal with being pregnant and having a baby in the midst of all that was going on in our lives? And why had He caused something to happen that would take time away from Samuel who so desperately needed me to be helping him overcome his severe disability? I COULD NOT understand it.
I have come to believe now that there are many reasons – most of which I probably don’t even know at this time. The first one I thought of was maybe God sent Nathan so we could save his cord blood, which is full of stem cells, that may be able to help Samuel someday. So we banked his cord blood in a facility in Arizona and, hopefully, one day it will come in handy.
But there is another reason I have realized lately. God had to heal a portion of my heart. You see, a portion of my heart died the day of Samuel’s accident. Or maybe it’s more like it withered away over those first few months. It was the part of my heart that trusted enough to love. I loved Samuel, just like all my kids, more than I could ever explain. I loved his voice, his little walk, his laugh, his smile, his personality, his innocence, his sparkling eyes, his curly red hair and his love for me. He lit up my life each and every day and I allowed myself to fall DEEPLY in love with him.
And then one day, he was taken away. I know it’s hard to understand that, because he is still here. And I still love him so VERY much – even MORE than I did before. But it is different. As time passed, I couldn’t love his little voice or his little walk or his little laugh anymore because I honestly couldn’t remember them. And when I did remember them, it was too painful to want to do again. I still had his smile and his innocence and his sparkling eyes and his curly red hair and a small portion of his personality. But so much was gone, or at least hidden for a little while, and I missed that portion so very, very much!
So, when Nathan was born, I was afraid to love him. I knew I was. I knew I shouldn’t be. But I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know how to feel as I held him that first day or as he spent those first few weeks in the hospital. I was afraid to bring him home because I didn’t know how I would do it all. Once he was home, I held him and cared for him just like I had any other baby. But inside I knew that I was holding him just outside my heart because I was too afraid that if I did love him, something would happen to him and I just couldn’t bear that again.
In a few weeks, Nathan will turn one. And despite my attempts to hold him outside of my heart, somehow, he has made his way in. I love his deep blue eyes. I love that his hair is starting to curl up at the ends – just like Samuel’s. I love his smile and his 6 little teeth. I am proud of him each time he reaches a new milestone and amazed at the intricacies of his little brain. I love his fat little thighs and his chubby little toes. I love when he rests his head on my shoulder or lets me cuddle him. And I can hardly wait for him to begin to talk.
As I picked him up today, I wondered in my mind how I would have ever healed that portion of my heart if Nathan hadn’t come. It is a wonderful feeling. And although I worry just as much as I did before, that something might happen to him, I have come to discover that the joy of loving him is worth any worry; and I thank God above for knowing what I needed so much more than I did. So thank you God and thank you Mr. Blue Eyes and thank you Samuel for picking a new little brother on your journey to heaven to help your Mommy make it through this bump in the road.
Love,
The Jewkes
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