Archive for August, 2009

Kindergarten Graduation UPDATE…

August 26, 2009 | Updates

Ok, I keep writing this and I can’t get it right. Ugh. But I need to write a few things regarding my last post. And because I can’t seem to tie them all together into a logical pattern, I’m just going to haphazardly drop them here:

I’m not mad.

I don’t blame anyone.

I think it was an honest and simple mistake.

I’ve learned a lot from it and, in the end, am actually glad that it happened.

I think Samuel’s teachers have learned something from it too and will do things a little differently next time.

Really, who could ask for more than that?

I love Samuel’s teachers. They are SO good to him…and me.

I think I should write a post soon about all the good days at school.

Love,
Teresa

Kindergarten Graduation

August 24, 2009 | Updates

(This post was written around the beginning of June 2009.) 

Kindergarten graduation was today.  I didn’t really want to go.  I mean, I want to support Samuel in all he does.  But at the same time, I knew it would be a huge reminder of how things aren’t normal for us.  I mean, what is he graduating from?  He hasn’t learned his ABC’s.  He isn’t starting to read.  He hasn’t learned counting and basic math skills.  How can he be graduating from Kindergarten?  I don’t even know WHAT he knows.  And thus the reason I didn’t want to go.  I guess with preschool it felt different.  I mean, not all kids go to preschool.  In preschool, he wasn’t falling behind.  Kindergarten graduation means all the kids his age are moving up to learn the things of First Grade - while he is now behind them an entire year.  I didn’t want to face that.

But I went. 

And I cried all the way home from it.

All the kids were cute and sang cute little songs and said what they loved most about kindergarten.

Samuel sat next to them in his stroller.  He had no parts.  He didn’t participate.  He was the odd ball out.

And then there was the annual movie full of cute picture of all the kids doing fun activities and interacting with each other.  Samuel’s picture wasn’t in the movie.  His name wasn’t in the list of student names at the end of the movie.  I realize that he’s only in that class 30 mintues a day.  I realize his “real” class is the Special Needs class (and I so appreciate that class, by the way).  It was just a painful reminder that he doesn’t “fit” - that he isn’t normal.

Halfway through the movie, I wanted to leave.  I wanted to take Samuel and go home.  I wanted to go somewhere where I didn’t have to watch any more or be reminded of just how different we really are. 

All the smiling parents. 

All the happy kids. 

All the pictures with teacher and the excitement to head to first grade.

It was all too much.

Samuel did get a little remembrance folder.  I appreciate that, but haven’t looked through it.  I’m afraid of what’s in it or more likely, what’s not.

Nathan grabbed a cookie when the movie was over.  I basically raced for Samuel and the door.  The kindergarten teacher apologized for him not being in the movie due to “legal issues”.  I have absolutely no idea what she was talking about and really didn’t care.  I KNOW it’s hard to include him.  I guess that’s the whole issue.

I made it to the car just in time for the tears.

I don’t blame his Kindergarten teacher.  She isn’t trained in Special Needs.  She couldn’t have known how it would all make me feel.

And I don’t blame his Special Needs teacher.  She is incredible and I love her for all she does for Samuel.  I truly believe that she cares for him and she is so very good to him.  She does all she can with the time and resources she is given.  And she couldn’t have known or even intruded on the graduation ceremony of the other class.  It wasn’t her place.  And she can’t really hold graduation for her own class because she has 6 grades in that class.  If anything, I think she felt the hurt a little herself because she wants Samuel to be included as well.

So, I guess the moral is this.  If you’re a teacher with just one lonely Special Needs student in your class and you have a program to present, find something for that child to do - no matter how small.  Let him press a button on a switch that says, “My favorite thing about Kindergarten is all my fun friends and movie days!”  Or if you don’t know if it’s ok to put his picture in the class movie, call his mom and ask.  Or at least put his name in the class list.  It doesn’t have to be much.  His mom will appreciate whatever you can do.  But also realize that if you do a tiny thing to make him a part of “normal” life, you will be doing a HUGE thing for his mother’s heart and for his.  I never know what Samuel is thinking, but I never take for granted that he might know everything going on around him.  Chances are good that he does and that he relishes every opportunity to feel just like all the other kids.

And to all those Special Needs teachers who spend every single day working their darndest to ensure every single one of their students feels included and important and loved - you are INCREDIBLE!  And we thank you!

And to all of those everyday people and children in Samuel’s life who talk to him like he’s normal, treat him like he’s normal and include him like he’s normal.  Thank you.  I think in his heart, he knows he’s not normal.  But feeling that way for moments at a time is always the most incredible treat!

And so we’re off to First Grade and I think this year, I’ll do a little more to get to know the First Grade teacher and help her understand and  find ways to help and ensure that Samuel is included in every activity he attends - even if just a little bit.

Thanks for listening.  I feel better now :).

Teresa

UPDATE:  It’s funny how time can make good things out of bad.  It was because of this experience that I spent the summer looking for reading programs to use with Samuel this next year and setting a goal for us to teach him to read this next year.  Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t.  I just have to know that I tried.  I also decided, because of this, to hold Samuel back in Kindergarten this year.  I think he deserves a chance to get a little more caught up before heading forward.  And I think Kindergarten is the best place for that to happen.

Memorial Day - My Way…

August 19, 2009 | Updates

(This post was written Memorial Day 2009.) 

I woke this morning to the sound of Samuel calling me from his makeshift bed in the motorhome.  I admit it.  I pulled the covers back over my head and hoped he’d fall back asleep.  But a few minutes later, his feeding pump started to buzz and I had to pull myself out of bed.  A quick push of a few buttons to quiet the feeding pump and get a movie going and he was quiet again - engaged with the TV.  Next to him his 2 brothers were still quietly sleeping and I made my way back to bed.  It was nice and warm with my husband next to me and a cool breeze blowing through the window.

The day really began a few hours later and we sat in the sun and enjoyed the company of family.  Cousins playing with cousins.  Brothers and sisters chatting away.  Grandpa and Grandma handing out fat boys and other treats.  My kind of day.  And even Samuel seemed to enjoy a quiet little nap in the sun and the bustle around him.

The time finally came to pack up and head home.  It was like a tidalwave of campers, motorhomes, trailers, boats.  Funny how the campground went from full to empty in just an hour’s time.  We stopped to eat at a quaint little burger place and eventually made our way home - no hurry, though.  And once unpacked, we all climbed back in the car and headed to the grocery store just a few miles away.

I didn’t have a long grocery list.  Just the ingredients for a fruit salad I’d been dying to try.  And then back home we came to whip it up and hope for the best.  But lo and behold, my husband had remembered my birthday and wanted to take the kids off shopping…almost all of them.  So here I sit, in the quiet, waiting for my whip cream to thaw (why do they sell it frozen?) and wondering what to do to keep myself busy.  Of course, my list of things to do is endless.  But not today.  Today, I want to finish enjoying what I started.  I want to spend the day enjoying life and being grateful for what I have.

And to those for whom this day is made to honor…thank you.  Thank you to those before who have done so much for my country, for my family.  It has been a wonderful day.  Nothing much to speak of.  No fan fare.  No carnivals.  Just time in peace, with my family, enjoying the beauty around us.  And what a great day that has made.

And to those of you who are missing loved ones passed on, we send our love.  There are those who we miss as well.  But we know we will see them again.  And hope it might be on the same sort of day.  When we will have time to spend with them.  Time to enjoy.  Time to reflect.  Time to ignore the hustle of the world and to remember what life really means.

Here’s to all of you.  And I’m off to watch a movie with my boys and eat my fruit salad.  Let’s hope it tastes as good as it should!

Love,

Teresa

UDATE:  The day after this was my birthday.  It was a fun day!  The kids made a cake and the family took me out to dinner.  The only real excitement was when our 6 pound dog ate my entire birthday cake while we were out!  Honestly, I laughed pretty hard :)!  So, we made lava cake in the microwave and proceeded with the festivities.  Quite the day!

The canal is on.

August 14, 2009 | Updates

Written sometime towards the end of May 2009…) 

You’d think they could send a little note with the city bill or call to tell me what day they will be turning the canal water on.  You’d think a little notice would be the least they could do.

But they don’t.

This morning it was empty.

Tonight, it is running. 

And so are my tears.

Nearly 4 years now.  And every year, it’s the same.  They turn on the canal and I fall apart.  The memories flood back.  My heart breaks again.  And I worry.  I worry for Nathan.  Nathan who has healed me so very much.  Nathan who tells me he “woves me too” everyday.  Nathan who kisses and cuddles with me all day long.  Nathan who is my sidekick.  Nathan…who is so much like Samuel was. 

How can I even explain it?  He’s a totally different child and yet so much of him reminds me of Samuel.  It’s this deep love within my heart that seems somehow intertwined with the pain of it all.  And although I can and do enjoy every moment of him…it is a constant reminder of what was lost and of how quickly such things can happen.

There are a lot of tears tonight.  Tears for my little boy who is still here, but trapped away in a little body that keeps him quiet.  Tears for all the memories that have strengthened us and taught us, but that have also taken so much out of us.  And tears of worry as I try to do all in my power to keep my littlest one safe from the dangers around him.

In the end, I wish I could do more to reduce the danger of the canal.  I feel I’ve done all that I can - double locks on the doors, a fence, a double fenced play yard, lifejackets, our watchful eyes.  But what I wouldn’t give to wake up one day and find a trash gate guarding the underpass Samuel washed through.  Maybe one day, the powers that be, might see fit to do such a thing.  Maybe if they could somehow see the value of the lives that could be saved by doing something so simple.  Maybe… 

Goodnight to you and may God keep you and your loved ones safe for there is nothing more important in this world.

Nothing.

Teresa

Youch!

August 10, 2009 | Updates

We’re keeping busy.  I have lots to post, but thought I’d put up a quick post about Tanner.  He cut a gaping hole in his chest today with a roto clip.  Sixteen stitches, a tetanus shot and some antibiotics and he’s back in one piece (sort of).  I guess at least it will leave a cool scar to show the girls :).  Sorry for the gross picture!  We’re all just happy it wasn’t worse.

Scroll down to view the picture.  I’m trying to save those of you with a weak stomach from feeling ill…

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Teresa