An interesting meeting…

July 30, 2010 | Updates

Tonight we went to the Preston rodeo. Great rodeo, by the way…even though we all couldn’t sit together because the handicapped section was very, very small and didn’t accomodate room for the families of the disabled (weird). But now I know what section to get seats in if we ever go again :).

But I’m writing tonight because of a lady that I met at the rodeo. A really nice lady that I enjoyed talking to.

Getting seats where Samuel could sit once we got to the rodeo was a bit of a nightmare. And in the end, we had to make literally about 50 people stand.on.their.seats for us to even get to ours. It was a little ridiculous, but we finally got a nice spot and the rodeo began.

As we sat down, however, I realized I knew the lady behind me. But she didn’t seem to recognize me. And because of my great ability to remember names and faces (insert HUGE laugh here at my sarcasm), it took me literally an hour and a half to figure out why I knew her. And then I realized she was our nutritionist from Primary Children’s Hospital. But then I couldn’t figure out what she was doing in Preston and why she didn’t recognize US. We have only seen her a few times, but I think we would be pretty memorable for her because I make her work hard to figure out if my blenderized diet fits within their guidelines and Samuel makes her work hard by constantly moving around and having bouts of vomiting making it difficult for her to figure out how to get enough calories in him to actually GAIN WEIGHT. So although we don’t know each other that well, I assumed she would figure out who we were and, well, say “hello”.

By the end of the rodeo, though, I’d thought about it enough to be sure that I wasn’t sure if that was really her sitting behind me or not! But I HAD to ask. It was driving me crazy!

And so I did. And it wasn’t her. (No surprise there. Man, I’m SO BAD with name and faces.) But it was, instead, a really sweet lady who asked me about Samuel. And as we got talking, we discovered that we shared a very similar experience in our lives.

Twenty-two years ago, this women’s 2-year-old son fell into a canal.

A canal that was by her home.

A canal that her son rode his tricycle too close to and tumbled down into.

She wasn’t home at the time.

This little boy was her 4th child.

He did not recover from the drowning, however, and passed away.

A year later, she gave birth to another little boy.

That little boy was a surprise.

And that little boy comes home from his mission this week.

(If you’ve read this site for long enough, you’ll know that all of those things above apply to our story as well except that Samuel survived his near-drowning and his “surprise” little brother is just 4-years-old.)

You can imagine, I’m sure, that had things to talk about. In fact, I wish we could have talked longer.  But Tom came to get me since the arena was pretty well empty and the kids were all waiting for me.

But in the few minutes that we talked, we both expressed many of the same feelings.

Both of us had dealt with the exact same experience with completely different outcomes.

Neither of us would dare trade outcomes with the other because we only knew our own outcome and that we could deal with it. (Honestly, the other outcome scares me as I would guess it does her. We feel safe in what we already know. And the other side of the coin would be such a different experience for either of us. In fact, I admire her that she endured her son’s passing and I’m sure she feels the same for me as we care for Samuel and his disabilities.)

In addition, both of us were so.very.grateful for the time that we had with our sons while they were healthy and well despite the pain that occurred when they were taken away. In other words, we wouldn’t have rather they were never born or never healthy. The small amount of time that we had with them was worth every drop of pain in loosing them and we would never trade that time to avoid the pain.

And we both wholeheartedly agreed that our “surprise” babies a year later absolutely healed us in ways that wouldn’t have been possible any other way.

It was the strangest thing because even though our paths were different, we felt so many of the same things.

And in a small way, I felt like I was seeing myself 20 years from now and it was comforting to see that it was all still ok.

I could see the deep love in her eyes that she still holds for her little boy who has been gone for so many years. And I could tell that she misses him. But I could also see that she has come to terms with it and that she has lived out the last twenty years trusting in a higher power and knowing that she will have that little boy again one day and that it will all be ok. And I could see that despite it all, she was geniunely happy.

And I guess for a moment, it was just really nice to talk to her because she so easily seemed to understand what I’d been through - even with our different “endings”. We sort of just “clicked”.

It was neat.

She also has a grandson with cerebral palsy so I gave her Samuel’s website and hope that I get to talk to her again so I can share some of what we’ve tried with Samuel that has seemed to help him so much.

As we drove home that night, I asked Tom if he thought maybe me meeting her wasn’t a coincidence.

I guess you never know.

But it seems a little more than happenstance to me.

And I like to think that we didn’t meet just by chance.

I guess life just seems a little funner that way :)!

Not just another day…

July 19, 2010 | Blogroll

I haven’t thought about the anniversary date of Samuel’s accident much this year. We’ve been getting ready and excited for his birthday for weeks, but the thought of the accident anniversary didn’t even cross my mind until a few days ago. I guess that’s a good sign :). I have a deep appreciation for the healing that time brings. Although I have always wanted to hold tight to how Samuel “used to be,” time has made that impossible. And I must say that is a blessing in disguise for as my memories of “that Samuel” fade, my mind is filled with memories of the “new Samuel” who I love just as much. And I am grateful (although resistant) for that inevitable change.

So this morning, I didn’t even realize that the date was July 19th until about noon. And then a few seconds later, I read an email from my mom that will follow at the end this post because it summarizes so well how I feel.

But first, I wanted to say that Samuel had a fun birthday and I’ll post pictures and videos of it soon. And as I tucked him into bed that night, I was suddenly overwhelmed by how much he is loved. Myself, his dad, four brothers, grandparents galore, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, teachers, acquaintances, strangers…there are so very many people who truly love this little boy of mine. And in my mind, I suddenly knew that being loved was more important than anything else in this world and that as long as Samuel is loved, he will be happy and he will be ok…despite all the limitations of his earthly body. And I felt peaceful, knowing that he is truly a happy little boy. A little boy who was so proud on his birthday that he was 7. I could see it in his eyes and read it in his smile. What a cutie!

And so I’ll leave you with my mother’s email because she hit the nail right on the head (and gave me the title for this post)…

“It’s amazing what an accident such as Samuel’s does to people. For me, after the initial shock and a few years later, I realized that it has been the most character defining event of my life. It has made me look at others with disabilities so differently. Care more about them. Actually look at them differently, with a smile, a helping hand. Not that I would have ignored or not helped before, but I want to be of help now. It’s made me realize just how precious life is. How it can be gone in a moment. And we aren’t the ones to decide if life comes or goes. And that makes me wonder why Samuel was left on earth. Was it for all of us to learn from his example. For the children at school to learn from him, to realize he is a real person who has real feelings too. For them to learn compassion and service? For all of us to learn that too? He has made me more grateful. When I don’t feel good, I think of him. When my feet hurt, I’m grateful I can walk. When I’m hungry, I eat tasty food! Of course, so many other things. He has been the most prominent person in our family prayers the past five years. He’s made us better people.

So if he’s made me a better person, that also means that he’s helped me get closer to eternal life? So in the pre-existence, he knew this was his mission in life. He would sacrifice life as we all know it, to be different, so in the end he could help me become closer to eternal life… He’s so much more than me… Yeah, I already knew he’s more than I’ll ever be. Sometimes I just need to remember. I guess today’s a good day to do that.”

Thanks, mom. I can’t read your words without tears coming to my eyes and warmth swimming through my heart because I know you are entirely and exactly correct.

So today on this anniversary date, for the first time in 5 years, I won’t mourn the things that we lost in 2005, but I will celebrate the things that we have gained since then and the little boy who gives so much to help us see the things that are truly important in this life.

Thank you, Samuel. You are truly, truly loved. And I am so grateful to know that you know that!

Enjoying my camera…

July 15, 2010 | Blogroll

I took Nathan out the other day and spent a few minutes taking pictures of him for fun. Some of them turned out pretty cute, I think. I end up photographing him and Samuel more than anyone else because they are the only ones willing to put up with me following them around and watching their every move. The other kids wonder what the heck I’m up to and either run away or pull goofy faces :)! Plus, only little kids are confident walking around talking to themselves doing absolutely nothing while I photograph them. The rest of us know that adults doing that don’t look cute, they look crazy :).

And my absolute favorite! I told him to pretend that mom forgot to pick him up from school…

My favorite thing about…

July 8, 2010 | Blogroll

There is this place that I’ve never been to and, yet, it is about to hold one of my very favorite things. 

On June 17th, Tanner did one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen him do (or maybe it’s just one of the bravest things I’ve ever LET him do). He hit submit on my computer and sent his mission papers off.

It took another 10 days after that to get all of his final interviews completed and then we were set to wait 2 1/2 weeks for his call to arrive.

We went out of town for the 4th of July. Unbeknownst to us, our Bishiop left a message for us that Friday that Tanner’s mission call had been issued and would arrive on Wednesday, the 7th. We weren’t expecting it for another week. I’m actually glad I didn’t hear that message until Monday night. The suspense from then until Wednesday was enough for me!

Wednesday morning at 8:30 am, the post office called to let us know his call had arrived. (Seriously, is that not completely awesome that they called us!)

Tanner was at work and wouldn’t be home until 4:30.  The suspense! Aaauuuurrrggghhhh :)! But I was SO GOOD! I didn’t even try to peek! Although I did carry it around with me all day so that it couldn’t be opened without me there :).

And then the big moment…

The ominous envelope…

Opening it up…oohhh, the suspense!

Reading the letter (and not OUT LOUD, might I add)!

Finally! Reading the letter out loud.

And then he got to the part where he was to read the location of his mission and what did he say? “Um, I can’t pronounce this.” Want to know what went through my mind, “What! Oh crap!” (I actually probably looked a lot like this!)

And then the revelation…Sao Paulo, East Brazil Mission (speaking Portuguese).

You want to know the funny thing? His eye doctor guessed that a few weeks ago. He said Brazil and California have the largest missions. I guess he figured his odds were good picking one of those. He was right!

Tanner is excited, I can tell.

Me…I’m his mom, which simply means I’m feeling everything at once. I’m excited, happy and scared out of my shorts!

But for today, I’m just working on a passport application.

And if you haven’t guessed by now, even though I’ve never been there, I know what my absolute favorite thing in Brazil is about to be…the future Elder Tanner Jewkes!

Congratulations Tanner!

Now I have to get to work because even though he doesn’t leave until November, I have TONS of shopping to do to get him ready. Look out wallet…here we come.

Samuel’s Kindergarten Program & Graduation

June 30, 2010 | Updates

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned how much I loved Samuel’s kindergarten teacher this year. If I haven’t, I should have. It would have saved me having to tell each of you individually throughout the year :)!

Samuel’s special education class is a good class and his teachers there are great. But, he gets to go to the “regular” kindergarten class for 1/2 an hour each day and that creates a special set of concerns for me - most of which center around him “fitting in” and being included.

This year, Samuel’s teacher (Mrs. K) was incredible at including him in her class. She went above and beyond anything that I expected and it made a huge difference for Samuel, me and for the other kids in his class.

Mrs. K treated Samuel like a superstar. And it made a huge impression on all the other kids. I could tell you story after story about how accepting they are of Samuel. And in the end, I would credit it all to his teacher and how she treated him.

STORY 1:

About a month into school, we went to school a little late. As I pushed Samuel towards his classroom in his stroller, his kindergarten class passed us in the hall. They were all in a single file line and passed by us one by one. As they did, they each (and every one) stopped and waved, stuck out their hand to touch Samuel’s arm or foot, said “Hi, Samuel” or went out of their way to smile and make sure he saw them. Every.single.one.of.them made sure they said hello as they passed in their own little way. The first 5 kids were cute, the next 5 were heart warming, the next 5 started to make me emotional and as the last few passed, there will tears in my eyes. I can’t even explain how much it made me love those little kids for their innocent acceptance of my little boy.

STORY 2:

A few days before the end of school, I went on a field trip with Samuel and his class. We went to the local high school to visit their swimming pool. Ninety kindergarteners surrounding a pool puts me a bit on edge :). But it was so fun to watch them listen and learn about the water. Towards the end, I shared Samuel’s story. I tried to do it in a way that they would understand. I wanted them to know that water is fun IF we are safe about it. Hopefully, they understood.

As we walked back to their school, two little girls asked if they could help push Samuel’s stroller back. I agreed and thought it so cute that they didn’t mind being at the back of the line walking slowly back to school as the other kids ran and jumped their way back. As we walked, we talked and they asked about Samuel. In the meantime, Nathan was jumping in front of Samuel’s stroller playing a sort of game of “tag” with Samuel. Another kindergartener soon joined in. But Nathan was jealous and didn’t want the other boy to play with Samuel. As I explained to Nathan that he needed to let the other boy play, it warmed my heart that there was a little jealousy going on :).

And then one of the girls said, “What’s wrong with Nathan?”

To which I replied, “He doesn’t want to share Samuel.”

She thought for a moment and then her little reply melted my heart, “You know…he really should share Samuel because he gets to see Samuel all the time and we hardly EVER get to see him.”

STORY 3:

This year, the kindergarten classes did their end of the year graduation and program together. Samuel’s teacher told me to be sure to come because they had something special planned for Samuel.I can only tell you that I was absolutely beside myself at what they performed. Ninety kindergarteners sat before us and sang and SIGNED eight or nine different songs. These kids knew the signs to ALL.OF.THEM. They probably know more signs than I do. It was overwhelming as the warmth filled my heart and I realized what a great service these teachers have done for these kids and for kids like Samuel - who often have to communicate in “different” ways. How much more accepting will these children be of them if they understand signing themselves? It was incredible.The last song, was dedicated to Samuel. It’s a song by Rachel Cook from Signing Time. The song was “Shine”. It’s actually a song that I love and can’t sing without crying. It talks about kids who are disabled and who shine in their own way and in their own time. That song did make me cry…especially as the kindergarten teachers sang it and those cute kids signed it.

STORY 4:

Samuel’s kindergarten class made a book this year where they each contributed a drawing and a short story. In order to include Samuel, they wrote his story for him. It is the last story in the book and it is beautiful. I’ve included scans of the pages below. The story is TRUE. No exaggerations. I’ve seen the kids cheer for Samuel on a daily basis as he enters the room. I’ve heard of them jumping around in front of him as he chooses one of them with his wiggly little feet. And I can’t explain it, but they truly do love him and accept him like he is one of them. They know he’s different, but they don’t care.

As I was packing up to leave his classroom after Mother’s Day Tea this year, I ended up across the room from Samuel and watched him as he sat in his chair alone. One child after another came up to him to tell him good-bye. There was no one there coaxing them to do it. There was no one standing by Samuel to even see them do it. They just did it on their own for the sheer fact that they wanted to. They would touch his arm or grab his little foot. They would wait for him to look at them. They would softy tell him good-bye or tell him to have a fun day. And he would break into a big grin each time they did.

Thus I have to end this year with a huge THANK YOU to his teachers! Thank you for including him. Thank you!